The 2013 contest season is in the record books and the 2014 season is still a few weeks away from kicking off, but that doesn’t mean we’re taking a break here at Iron Affinity from brining you the best bodybuilding news in the multi-verse. An exclusive Iron Affinity investigation has uncovered a new set of preseason awards that being distributed to bodybuilding’s best.
The Timex Award- For the competitor most likely to need a watch at some point during the contest season.
Cedric McMillian- Despite being blessed with an incredible structure, classic flowing lines, and beautiful round muscle bellies – the one thing Cedric apparently was not born with was a sense of urgency. After being disqualified from the Arnold Classic in Brazil last season for missing the athletes meeting Cedric may want to consider investing in a reliable time-piece.
The Tony Robbins Award- For the competitor most likely to need a hug and an inspirational speech.
Kai Greene- Although he arguably brought his best package to the Olympia stage to date in 2013 Kai still fell short of capturing the crown from reigning Mr. Olympia Phil Heath. Kai sports one of the freakiest physiques in the history of the sport, but unfortunately that body comes attached to a head that’s been nothing short of a train wreck. Perhaps a hug and a pep talk from the master motivator may be just what he needs to help him overcome his demons.
The Brett Favre Award- For the competitor who’s always rumored to be coming out of retirement.
Kevin Levrone- We can’t seem to make it more than a few months without another “Kevin Levrone is considering a comeback” rumor circulating on the internet. If ESPN covered bodybuilding we would see Rachel Nichol’s camped outside the Levrone Report headquarters waiting for some sort of vague quote that would leave the door slightly open for the possibility that he may decide to lace up the posing trunks one last time.
The Morgan Freeman Award- For the old guy who never seems to age.
Tony Freeman- Morgan Freeman would be proud to know that not only do he and the X-Man share a last name, but they apparently also have the same ageless sets chromosomes as well. Despite the fact that he’s bodybuilding’s version of the Model-T he still appears to have some tread left on the tires, and it doesn’t look like he plans to slow down anytime soon.
The Unemployment Award- For the competitor most likely to show up “off” for the entire contest season.
Jeff Long- Despite having all of the physical tools to be a competitive pro Jeff Long has been missing one very important item from his tool chest throughout his career – will power. Unfortunately for Jeff his inability to bring it on the day of the show has earned him the moniker “Next Year” – as in maybe next year he’ll show up in shape. Hopefully with a bit of luck, and a pad locks on his refrigerator and cabinets, Jeff will finally pull it all together and become the top level competitor that we all know that he can be.
The Ron Burgundy Award- For the competitor most likely to say something ridiculous on camera
Antoine Vaillant- The only thing more impressive than Antoine’s physique is his ability to be a relentless and unabashed self-promoter. The Team Universal superstar is responsible for
providing fans with some of the most entertaining videos of the year in 2013 with his raw Blair Witch style filming and uncensored witty sense of humor. Please don’t stop Antoine. The internet needs you.
The Men in Black Award- For the competitor most likely to flashy thing their memory away due to selfie overdose.
Dana Linn Baily- The first Women’s Physique Olympia champion has emerged into an outright rock star that has transcended the fitness community. On her way to assuming the mantle as the queen of the industry DLB found time to become the master of the selfie as well. Her selfie addiction appears to be reaching epidemic proportions, and she may be in serious danger of flashy thinging away all of her long term memories. If Will Smith ever decides to shoot another installment of the hit movie series DLB should be a prime candidate to be cast as an extra.
The Desert Camel Award- For the competitor most likely to be holding a ton of water.
Lionel Beyeke- Lionel has always looked like a legitimate top five Olympian in his front double bicep shots that mysteriously get leaked to the internet a few weeks before he hits the stage. Unfortunately for Lionel he usually looks much better in a hotel room than he does onstage. After teaming up with Dennis James late in the year we saw dramatic improvements in his physique and got a brief glimpse of how dangerous and in shape Beyeke could really be. Hopefully the upward trend will continue in 2014 and we won’t see him revert back to his normal – four weeks out and holding ten pounds of water – form.