—Recently a friend noted to me ”Dan—You have to write articles in lists, that’s what everyone does these days. No one has the attention span to read anything else”. I’m going with my friend Stanley’s advice, he’s probably right… How many people actually read a full DM article? Me, Waylon and maybe a few others… But a list?!? Shit—You are already getting hyped up about this shit. Without further ado—here’s a list of why you should Love IRON AFFINITY—
1. We love Cuddly Animals
It’s much better to be pro-cuddly animal than anti-cuddly animal. Personally I’m a fan of: Koala bears, chinchillas, red pandas baby raccoons, and any mammal with a lot of fur and big eyes. I’m not opposed to our reptilian brethren and sisters, they are great too. But if you’ve ever looked into the eyes of a red panda and not felt a tinge of love, titillation and joy—than you are probably a sociopath. In fact, most serial killers start their murderous tenure by torturing small creatures and later tying up your cousin Leroy in duct-tape, sodomizing him, freezing his body parts in a freezer and eating him with Sriracha sauce while watching re-runs of ‘Friends’.
2. We are Left-Wing Scum
That’s right motherfuckers. Waylon occasionally posts things on the narcissistic Utopia of Facebook—Ranting and raving about the right-wing overlords, and receives at least 5 likes. We all know where I stand—somewhere to the left of Alexander Berkman. I’m proud of that shit, and I own up to that shit. You don’t like it? I could really give a flying fuck. This is a class-based society and world, we are the proletariat. The day will come when the bourgeoisie’s blood will fill the gutters of every city in this country, village, and mother-fucking town. If you don’t like it—Read some other bodybuilding writer’s Islamophobic rants. In the meantime—educate yourself, you won’t be spared by the tumbrils for ignorance.
3. We Have Haters
Let’s start with one— Adam McVey. He has a shitty physique, and runs a dumb fucking message board on Facebook where he pretends he’s Jehovah’s big swinging dick and everyone kisses his ass like he’s ‘something’. He doesn’t like Waylon, he doesn’t like Ben White, and I’m sure he won’t like me after this article. Some people need to grow some cajones (or ovaries) and tell it like it is. He runs his little shit-world dystopia where legions of lemmings suck on his penoris in fear they ‘violate’ one of his precious codes of conduct. I’m ‘old-school’, I don’t talk shit about anyone UNLESS they have it coming or are blatantly disrespectful to one of me or my friends… In that case, all bets are off and a quick viewing of ‘Falling Down’ starring Michael Douglas will illustrate my mentality in such situations.
There’s another too— Chronically Mentally-Ill Christian Duque and his site ‘Schmo Addicts,’ err, I mean ‘Strength Addicts.’ He’s apparently really good at ‘Fiverr’, as he has legions of thousands of subscribers, yet I don’t recall anyone watching an episode of Strength Addicts on YouTube. He hates Waylon because Waylon failed to immediately respond to questions regarding a ‘hot’ interview with afore mentioned Adam McDouche. We don’t have time for this shit, seriously. I feel ashamed of myself for writing this prose and listening to Electric Wizard, but I did this for the people. I have a lot of love in my heart and possibly coronary heart disease. However, with the healing power of the rune Uruz, I will survive.
We have haters that means we have an inkling of success, more to come of course. Don’t hate, ‘participate’! Join us, or face the fate of those who oppose us. It isn’t pretty—I’m very much getting Lenin on motherfuckers at this point… BOOM!
4. Ben White
Ben White—I saw him turn pro at the USA’s many years back and he was fucking incredible (and still is.) For a while he sported a bleach-blonde goatee, which was tough as fuck and very commendable. He doesn’t say much—But he’s the modern day Chuck Sipes, and stronger than your black Grandmother after laying an ass-whopping on your cousin ‘Peanut’. Pretty much he’s strong as fuck, has an incredible physique, and he’s part of the Iron Affinity team. Nerds like Adam McVey can criticize him, which is laudable as he’s an IFBB Pro and McVey would be dwarfed by a black kid that eats honey buns 3-5 times daily and sole exercise routine consists of playing X-Box and Basketball. The truth hurts, kiddies.
I’ll make something clear—I absolutely abhor people that refer to themselves in 3rd person, but for the purpose of this list I’m breaking my own rule. I put some creative, funny shit out there (Other people’s commentary not mine!) The DM train is rolling, and you best get on board now before my next mental breakdown—Please set up a Paypal donation fund in the case this happens and I’m relegated to petting Rigsby the therapy dog at your local psyche ward. I live and breathe bodybuilding, and most importantly ‘God-Building’. Let’s do this… This an industry populated by dumb-fucks, no-nothings, unoriginal troglodytes, racists and no good colostomy bags. I’m no leader and an advocate leaderless resistance and persistence—But behind this musculature and tight-fitting tank top I purchased at the ‘Dollar Tree’ from my Punjabi, brethren, I AM YOU. I live in the fucking ghetto, simply don’t give a fuck and have been to hell in a back. I have much love for everyone that is NOT a complete douchebag or douchette. Rob Bailey’s music still sucks.
6. Troy Alves
There’s an interview with Troy Alves on the main page. Troy Alves—One of the greatest bodybuilders of all time. If you don’t know who he is or don’t appreciate his physique, you don’t understand bodybuilding, at all. His insane proportions, symmetry, full muscle bellies are unparalleled. When someone pointed out on FB – ‘Funny how much he’s shrunk down after competing and being off anabolics, hgh, etc.’ (Paraphrased of course) in reference to him wearing a size xxxxl suit-coat, a few days later he posted a picture in a tank-top and the afore-mentioned person was forced to eat crow.. This ‘critic’ is actually pretty cool in his defense, but Alves response was CLASSIC. That’s what we do at Iron Affinity- We make people eat crow. Crow for breakfast, lunch, dinner and for your anabolic window.
7. We Have Love in Our Hearts
-I understand the overwhelming majority of this list has been negative, but we truly are optimists and positive. Jimmy Carter didn’t receive the adoration and love the United Snakes when he pretty much told it ‘how it is’ in his notorious ‘Crisis of Confidence’ of speech, laying out the brutal truth that we over-gourmandize as a society and need to cut-back. People don’t like to hear ‘real shit’, they like to hear happy, positive, Prozac type shit. Regardless, at Iron Affinity we have much love in our hearts and appreciate all of the underdogs, underlings and oppressed Romakomfomulon. Hip-hip-Hooray! I love you all! (Except for the comprehensive list of everyone that has ever done anything wrong to any of us—which will be documented at a later time, and only partially here.)