ARE YOU a fan of bodybuilding? Of course you are, and that means you’ve probably noticed the hottest trend sweeping the industry that’s turning the Mr. Nobody’s of the world into big names, with rabid legions of fans who draws more attention than a shirtless Big Ramy on a beach full of vegans, and all seemingly overnight. Still not sure what I’m talking about? That’s okay, because I’m going to fill you in – it’s the Guru Gold Rush – and if you act now, it’s not too late for you to take advantage of unsuspecting suckers who are just dying to give their money away to a complete stranger just so they can be as miserable as possible for the next sixteen weeks.
Now, you may be saying to yourself “There’s no way I can be a guru. I’ve only ever competed in one show and the judges awarded me the 3rd place trophy even though my class had only two competitors.” Don’t worry about it! In fact, the less experience you have, the better! That just means that your mind has had less opportunity to become polluted with useless things like facts or morals that might stop you from achieving your prime guru objective – make an absurd amount of money while doing as close to nothing as you possibly can.
By now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘this sounds too good to be true, but even if it isn’t, I still have no idea how to get myself started or how to get people to trust me without knowing who I am.’
Is this you? If so, then you’re in luck because I’ve developed 100% full proof system that is guaranteed to make you look, sound, and act like a guru, even if you’re less qualified to give advice than Jenna Jameson issuing a keynote speech at a virgin’s convention on why it’s important to save yourself for marriage.
If you want to reap the rewards of having a job where people will fall in line like sheep and listen to each and every word you say, give you all of the money they saved up for the last six months before you ever actually do a thing, and is completely devoid of any responsibility because when things go wrong you just blame your client for not listening to your “expert strategies”, then having a career as a guru is exactly what you’re after. All you have to do is follow these simple steps I’m going to lay out for you and before you know it you’ll be swimming in money, and living the life you always dreamed of while working so little people will swear you’re stealing money – because you kind of are.
Step 1: Be as Vague as Possible
In order for you to gain some groundswell momentum and build your reputation as an expert advisor you’ll need to draw attention to yourself without being too obvious about what your real intentions are, or the fact that you have no real knowledge of your own to speak of. This part can be a bit tricky, and will require you to do two things. First, be sure to include lots of familiar terms that people can understand in your videos or writing. Bodybuilders have huge egos, and there’s nothing that a huge ego loves more than staying in its comfort zone. Lure them in by using words they know like anabolic window, fasted, shredded, and intensity sprinkled with just a touch of “sciency” terms they’ve heard of like GLUT4 so they think you’re smart, while also promising great results from your very own system that has its own fancy name. Give your system a name like Bodybuilders Utilizing Lower Levels Super Hypertrophic Intensity System, or B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. for short. Using acronyms that people have never heard of before will make them think you know something they don’t, and soon people will be lining up to start soaking up some of your “expert guru advice”. Be sure to promise that your new system will deliver great results thanks to your specialized knowledge without ever actually saying what that is, or how you intend to use it. Your clients and prospective clients will find your vagueness mysterious and enticing, keeping them intrigued about what might be coming next.
Step 2: Become A Master Magician
People love magic for one simple reason – because they love to believe in mystical things that they can’t quite understand. Magicians capture people’s attention by distracting them with sights, sounds, smells, or anything else they can use to keep them distracted and focusing on only the things they want them to see. While some people will immediately take your bait hook, line and sinker, others will be more skeptical and look for reasons to doubt your guru-ness. These people could be a major problem for the guru in the making, so you’re going to need to distract them with sleight of hand tricks to throw them off your scent – just like a magician distracts his audience. Make sure you use plenty of music and graphics in your videos to promote your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T system, post before and after photos of people you’ve never even worked with and take credit for their transformation, say that studies support your theories but be sure not to ever mention the name of a real study, and then offer your services with an additional bonus if people sign up soon. People will be so distracted by what you’re doing with your left hand that they won’t even realize you’re reaching into their wallet and stealing their credit with your right. And, if someone still tries to call your guru mastery into question, be sure to kill them with kindness. Engaging in a war of words will make you seem petty and angry, but being overly kind will quickly dissolve the situation and make you seem trustworthy and genuine, hiding the fact that it really is one great big illusion after all – just like magic.
Step 3: Create A Way To Organize Your People
As your army of followers begins to grow you’ll need to find a way to establish some order. This is where a website comes in handy. Having a place where the growing legions of followers in the B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T army can congregate and joins forces will only strengthen your powers. Your website where serve as an echo chamber for your theories and ideas that will insulate your followers from any outside noise. By creating a whole series of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T based videos and articles not only will you draw more people to your system like moths to a flame, but once they arrive there they’ll be surrounded by a community of supporters that will erase any previous doubts they might’ve had. In essence, your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T machine will actually begin to feed itself, and once that starts to happen you’re on the verge of establishing an empire which will only draw more and more followers that will practically beg you to take their money – no matter how ridiculous your ideas might be.
Step 4: Begin To Build Your Brand
Now that you have clients, followers, and a website it’s time to tie everything together by turning B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T into a brand. People love to feel like they’re part of something cool and unique, and this is the perfect time to take advantage of that by offering a full line of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T tee-shirts, products, and anything else you can sell that isn’t nailed down. Create a logo to make your brand appear more official and watch the money start rolling in as your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T army gobbles up your merchandise faster than a fat kid sucks down cake at an all you can eat dessert buffet. As your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T merchandise starts popping up in gyms and on social media it will create a new funnel of traffic that will flow directly to your website, bringing in even more money, establishing more followers, and creating an entirely new mass of followers as your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T goes from underground to mainstream faster than a soccer mom at Wal-Mart sprinting for a 70” TV on Black Friday.
Step 5: Us vs. Them
Alas, now that your brand has grown in popularity you’re going to start to acquire some of the inevitable things that accompany success – haters. Once anything begins to become too popular, people have a natural inclination to want to hate it and pass it off as a fad. But don’t worry, this isn’t an obstacle, it’s an opportunity to strengthen your base. It’s time to do what every great coach or leader has done throughout history, rally your troops and establish an us vs. them mentality! This will work in two ways. First, it will establish your authority as supreme guru and master of all things B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T as you show your followers you’re bulletproof, and allow the shots fired by haters to bounce off as you remain unphased. Secondly, all of your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T army lieutenants, which should be securely in place by now, will reinforce your power and your message as they rally your base and attack the opposition on all fronts. All of the controversy will also work out in your favor when people who were previously unfamiliar with your particular brand of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T start looking into you to find out what all the fuss is about. Some of these people are bound to find your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T attractive, and some will swear that it’s exactly what they’ve been looking for all along. In the end, although the controversy will cause a bit of a stir up and most likely cause you to suffer a few losses, you’ll rebound better than Dwight Howard in a contract year and your B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T army will march on stronger than ever.
So, now that you’re armed and ready to go out into the world and establish your guru dominance while you cash in on the Guru Gold Rush there’s only one question left to answer. How fast can you sell your own brand of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T to the people who are ready and willing to buy it?
For the Legitimate Benefits of a (GOOD!) Contest-Prep Coach: Contest Coaches Necessary?