It’s hard bro
Its 2015, the economy is atrocious and bodybuilding is a money-sucking passion to embrace. This is why the typical financial status of a bodybuilder is ‘broke-dick dog’. To build a champion caliber physique, might as well require taking out a student loan or a mortgage on a house. The opportunities come knocking, but usually they don’t seem to transpire quite as planned. You might get a solicitation from ‘mega-musclegalleries’, and are elated to find out they will pay you $3,000 for a photoshoot in Miami, Florida. Of course, that money is already spent as you tell your other ‘bro’—‘Dude, get me a few kits of seros, some halotestin, yada yada’. You arrive in Miami, and you are offered to be fucked in the ass by 3 other muscle hunks. When you reply ‘uhhh, no’, instead you offered to shower, alone in naked for $600, an utter disappointment. Don’t despair however, I’m here to offer some small salvation with some tips on how to endure these tough financial times.
Diversify Your Streams of Revenue
Working a ‘normal job’ is out of the question. Working a normal job could entail missing your ‘anabolic window’. Not to mention, 2 15 minute breaks, and one half hour lunch break is not enough to consume enough food to uphold your gargantuan muscle mass. That being said, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket so to speak. It is prudent to invest in a webcam, that’s a given. The first month of webcam flexing is going to be ‘shit-hot’, after that it is going to dwindle. You must learn the peaks and valleys of the cyber-muscle hustle and what types of clients will pay well, and which ones are hairy-backed vultures, secretly contriving to stuff you as piece of taxidermy and put you into a collection of murdered muscle hunks.
To make ‘quick cash’, it’s going to best to do ‘real time’ muscle worship. Remember to ‘set your boundaries’, maybe you are comfortable with being blown by an elderly guy, maybe not. It’s up to you to set your limitations as a heterosexual male muscle star.
You might also get involved in the ‘black market supplement trade’. Avoid selling to other bodybuilders, as they are to privy on how much things actually cost. Bottom line, get a product with a nice looking label and be ready to sell to gym newbies at a high premium. ‘You want to look like me, well you have to take WHAT I TAKE’, hence a bottle of test propionate quickly becomes $140, which you can then use to be buy more test propionate… It’s a vicious ‘cycle’ really.
If all else fails, paint yourself green and hold up a sign outside of your local grocery store saying ‘Will flex for protein and money’. People will laugh and surely give you money. If they don’t… Fuck em’. Mug them, and take their money anyways. You’ve earned it, by possessing more muscle mass, thus residing higher on the food chain.
Learn How to Deal With Bill Collectors
Do you have mailbox anxiety? You know that, know steroids are coming in anytime soon, it’s been awhile since your last order… All you see in the mailbox is ‘collection agency’, blah blah. Invest a mere $15 or less and get yourself a customized stamp that says ‘DECEASED: RETURN TO SENDER’. It’s not illegal to lie, unless it’s in court under the penalty of perjury. Unless it’s over $10,000 most companies are not going to bother getting an attorney to go after your broke ass, and you can enjoy a relatively clear mail box. Learn how to pay your bills late as well—this includes electric, gas, etc. Collect these ‘past due bills’ and that way if the federal government of the United Snakes comes after you, you can simply say ‘Look, I can’t even afford to pay my bills! I don’t have any money’. It might be prudent to get a fake name as well, this is going to serve you well in a multitude of facets.
There’s a couple options here to fully meet your muscle building and anabolic requirements. If you live in an environment that has large game, learn how to hunt, kill and process your own meat. If you live in a coastal region, the ocean is home to many protein-packed fish. If living in an urban wasteland, learn how to meander around the 99 cent store and purchase bulk oats, tuna and whatever else you can muster.
Another tip—buy a large aquarium and start raising catsfish. When it’s harvest time, you have a stable, cheap ready source of food. Grab one of those squirmy, talking creatures with your rippling forearms and have a good ol’ fashion southern supper.
You can also become a ‘freegan’. Learn when stores are dumping out their relatively fresh produce and stock up on goodies as they chuck out the spoils of the day.
Throw your personal differences aside, and become a Mormon! They seem to be really successful, and I’ve yet to encounter a Mormon that I would term a ‘failure’. They also always keep a year’s supply of food in stock, in case of the upcoming apocalypse. Can you say ‘bulk city’? Even if the Church of Latter Day Saints isn’t for you, you can join one of the mainstream branches of Christianity, for the network purposes alone. With your gladiator pectorals and bulging biceps, you will be an instant celebrity at whatever church you decide. Hell, you can even make a career out of it and become a minister, and learn how to properly embezzle funds. Collection Plate = Dinner Plate.
Learn to utilize these simple tips and you too, can survive the tough times ahead.
By: Danny Manslaughter
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