–Throw your soiled towel in the hamper, hold the vomit in, violently belch the benzedrex lavender inhaler, your eyes display a haunting combination of jaundice yellow and blood-shot red. The cephalic veins on both of your arms are quivering as your testicles have shrunken to raisenette levels but dick remains firm and triumphant as Lyndon B Johnson delivering a speech to cabinet officials— ‘THIS IS WHY!’ This is why you scroll your Colby Digital Music Player up to Volume 14, Madball ‘Hold It Down’ is playing. The chubby red-haired kid motions you with hands of excitement— smiling. You ignore him, and simply look at the ground, he does not exist. You have now entered the Gymnasium…
—An Unfortunate Experience—
‘Hey Danny, How’s it Going?’ Ralph Cormerford entered the office space of the Billings YMCA’s ‘Life Fitness’ Center, as a young God-Builder in the making scrolled through an antiquated ‘Wild Physique’ book from Vince Gironda.
‘I’m doing fine… Thanks for asking..’ The young God-Builder was perturbed to see the sight of the man who’s eyes remained hauntingly full and stretched out and vibrantly talked all matters of life, justice, religion, cook-ware, and aliens; only to perform 3 exercises on various nautilus machines. Ralph looked as if he survived off of a diet comprised of honeybuns, cup of noodles, and heavy starch but the honkey motherfucker never spent a day in jail, probably a child molester too… If only this motherfucker would somehow die that would be really fucking convenient young Danny had thought to himself. He felt that he was going catabolic, and quickly grabbed two Mexican dianabol pills out of his polo workshirt uniform and crunched them down in his mouth… Ahh the sweet taste. ‘Hold on a moment Ralph I need to grab my meal’. Young Danny carefully plotted out his shit for accurate nutrient timing, lack of engaging with actual people, reading the Gironda Book, doing a couple of sets, eating, and talking to the ‘bros’.
Danny returned to the Life Fitness office with a Tuna Sandwich in hand (on Ezekiel bread). Ralph’s eyes bugged out of his head and said “How could you eat that?!” Danny was somewhat confused; not a dummy but caught off guard he didn’t quite understand the problem of the fine tuna meal. “Well, I’m personally a vegetarian. You know it’s very strange… For years and years I had these haunting nightmares of being a cow and being chased around a slaughterhouse and being bludgeoned in the head.. Bludgeoned in the head Danny!’ The young God-Builder soon discovered Ralph was even more ‘eccentric’ than he first thought. ‘Is that so?’ Danny retorted back.. ‘Yes, yes! Now I stopped eating beef and all meat together and I feel great, look great, and the nightmares stopped coming!’ Danny’s eyes veered towards Mr. Cormerford’s immense, bloated gut and was un-convinced on his new lifestyle choices. An awkward silence ensued as they looked at each other, Ralph smiling, Danny remaining stoic and uninterested.
Shortly afterward, the 7pm appointment showed up, Mrs. Svendsen, a strong Scandinavian name, probably Norwegian, very typical of this part of the country. She was approximately 80 years old and appeared as a giant wrinkle with margins of smooth skin. Danny was wearing a pair of 30×30 Dickies with is YMCA Polo shirt tucked in to show off his V-Taper; Mrs. Svendesen did not notice nor have the hormones to ‘get wet’ over such imagery. Danny did not wear underwear that day as it was the he Tuesday night occasion of Laundry. The first exercise to be demonstrated on the ‘Nautlius Life Center Circuit’ was the ‘Hip Abduction/Adduction Machine’. Danny talked professionally to Mrs. Svendsen – ‘OK Mrs. Svendsen this is the hip abduction exercise, before I say anything let me show you how it’s done. Danny felt a weird pressure in his pants, he had put a few pounds on from the dianabol and the dickies were fitting very tight as of recently… Danny exhaled, pfffhhh, as he abducted his hips outwardly and heard a terrifying rip… A rip coming from none other than the seam of his crotch. Danny looked down, only to see he had ‘whipped it out like Lyndon B Johnson’. Mrs. Svendsen shrieked (like she had never seen a dick before…) and a young Danny was startled but also pleasantly surprised he was hanging ‘well’, perhaps because he hadn’t ingest 6 primatene pills like earlier in the day; balls were remaining moderately full as well. Mrs. Svendsen ran out of the Life Center and Danny quickly ran to the lost and found section, where he found a pair of size medium vintage 1970’s Adidas Basketball shorts, which fared no better.
Author’s Note: The Gymnauseum is an upcoming Novel by author Danny Manslaughter (AKA Daniel Church) presented first here free on IronAffinity.com in the public domain. Sections will be posted on here be piece meal each week, out of sequence. While we provide this art free, contributions to our paypals will be accepted, graciously. We cannot guarantee hospital bed selfies of us dying from rhabdo, or soiled posing trunks mailed to the donator (inquire for more details… @ firstname.lastname@example.org)
For More From Danny Manslaughter: The ‘Gym Rat’ Chronicles (Part 1)