Where do you find fresh, untainted water, free from BPA and the environmental assault of bottled water? Surely not tap water, filled to the brim with a cornucopia of pharmaceuticals and possibly that pesky fluoride, which might not be too friendly to the DMT-smoking enthusiast looking to tap into the wondrous pineal gland. Surely, there’s still untainted water left in mountain streams and virgin free-flowing waters across the United States? Well, officially at least 45% of free-flowing streams in the US would be considered polluted according the EPA’s estimation. However, did you know that drinking a few liters of stream water every night, might just be what you need to survive the raging class war, ecocide and ultimate destruction of industrial civilization?
During the final 63 days of heifer’s life they are implanted with a whopping anabolic dose of the steroid Finaplex-H (commonly known as Trenbolone Acetate), increasing muscle-mass, feed efficiency and weight gain in a caloric deficit. Before going to Bovine Valhalla, the cattle get to live their final days as walking, thunderous muscle-mass mutants. The glorious Trenbolone Acetate, frequently abused by bodybuilders and athletes (keen on gormandizing sketchy drugs) has been uttered as the ‘gear of the gods’ across every gymnauseum in America. Trenbolone-Acetate is known for creating the dreaded ‘tren cough’, leaving one crawling in agony on a bathroom floor for 5 minutes, in a cold sweat, barely able to breathe and contemplating if they are near-death. Other notable side affects include: insomnia, night sweats, acne, elevated blood pressure, increasingly delusional thoughts, aggression, anxiety and an elevated heart-rate that would have you believe you were on a three-day runner smoking crystal-meth in Fresno. The good news is: the troublesome side effects aside, it works very well and can make you a strong, muscle-bound mutant, FAST. Even better news, is that it’s completely free! The powerful androgen never gets broken down in streams and actually re-constitutes itself at night, leading researchers to recently term it the ‘vampire steroid’. The process of phototransformation enables the steroid to never cease it’s existence as it seeps from cattle excrement into nearby streams, rivers and water sources near you.
Time to ‘take charge’, and really face the tasks ahead. Grab up your cadre of fellow leftists and gather up some of the fine Mutant Dew on summer night, and take home heaping gallons of the sweet ol’ sarsparilla. It’s going to be uncertain times ahead, obviously things aren’t ‘getting better’, and food might become pretty scarce in the upcoming decades, as austerity is bludgeoned across our feeble heads. With gallons of trenbolone-laced water, we can maximize our feed efficiency and remain strong and livid, even in the worst of times. Instead of adapting the final days of the domesticated American cow before slaughter, perhaps we can display the strength and voracity of the mighty Aurochs (albeit coughing and with night sweats). Even if the collapse takes a while, at least you can display rippling muscles and give up somewhat of a fight until getting clubbed in the head by a police officer (consuming more trenbolone than you unfortunately…) at the latest protest of your choice. You’ll earn your first ‘go to jail’ stripes and impress your cronies, and need not worry about quickly bulking up by lifting water-bags and eating mercury-filled mackerel from the commissary, to survive in the Prison-industrial complex. No, you’ll already be rock-solid from the years of ingesting Mutant Dew, thanks to the livestock industry and our bovine friends.