Public Service Announcement #1: The Gym Hierarchy

admin March 7, 2015 Comments

Hierarchies are to be found in all facets of life. From the structure of the military-industrial complex, to the level you can ascend on the ladder of poverty. Simply put, if you were born as an underling, unless you are an Alexander Hamilton level of overachiever, you will live a life of penury and be subservient to the money-grubbing overlords. Even in our own fringe subculture of Bodybuilding, there is agenerally agreed upon hierarchy, different gym patrons occupying different positions of the pyramid.

As bodybuilder’s we grace the normal anabolic ally-challenged pariahs of society with the opportunity to exercise in the same facilities as us, not asking much in return. However, it has become evident to myself and others recently that the normal trilobites of the gym have abused this privilege. This nefarious criminal act could create a ‘butterfly effect’ and widespread chaos that will ultimately cause Gary Glitter to be exonerated of his charges and start a worldwide tour with a Children’s Choir providing the backup vocals. With compassion for children in mind, at Iron Affinity we wish to bring notice to this neglected issue.

Gary Glitter, The British, Child Molesting, Fitness Advocate?

Gary Glitter, The British, Child Molesting, Fitness Advocate?

First and foremost, bodybuilders (Female, Male and everything in-between) training for a competition should always stand firm with the #1 position. If you’re a trilobite this means walking to the side as a behemoth walks to the weight rack listening to Creed’s “My Sacrifice”. At no point is a frail weakling allowed to walk in front of a bodybuilder, especially as he or she admires their godly creation in the mirror and triumphantly strikes a pose or ten. If you’re a trilobite and want to be helpful you can be a ‘weight boy,’ carrying the dumbbells to the destination the iron warrior will be lifting. Normal plebeians must also never attempt to converse with an iron warrior in the full midst of ‘training.’ Doing so will result in a trip to the infirmary for the untouchable; a 300 pound shredded muscle god throwing the waste-of-space into the dirty towel hamper. These muscle stallions might be dangerously low on carbs as well, so if you’re a normal plebeian you can be of assistance and carry with Mountain Puppy intra-workout drinks in case a warrior falls in battle into a diabetic coma from taking too much insulin. If at any time a 150lb skinny twink wearing a size medium ‘Tap-Out’ shirt decides to ‘shadow-box’ in the mirror within 20 feet of a truly athletic bodybuilder, their crime will always remain punishable by death. The preferred method of execution for such a nefarious act is the heavy weight of muscle-monster, applying firm pressure (in otomix boots) on an Olympic Barbell to the larynx of the criminal.

Gym-Shadow-Box-Weights

The second position in the pyramid of gym hierarchy belongs to the bikini or figure competitor. Our yoked-out sisters of the most beautiful persuasion, are almost nearly as important as the bodybuilder gods who accompany them, arguably more so. At no point are normal plebeians allowed to comment on these she-ras repellant smelling broccoli flatulent, jaw masculanization from fake oxandrolone abuse, or malformed breast jobs. It takes at least a combination of three SSRI’s for the troubled figure girl to get through the day, and it’s not wise to piss them off. Many of these gals are on an important mission to raise the bar, and simultaneously diminish internalized daddy-daughter issues. The financial turmoil experienced by a she-ra is troubling since they not only have to purchase expensive food, drugs, and ‘competitor cards,’ but also the important $900 rhine-stone decorated posing suit

The third position in the gym hierarchy belongs to other ‘athletes,’ the secret bane to all of us. If bodybuilders are present in the weight room when people who engage in actual sports are, they are required to wait until the bodybuilder carries his oxygen leash to his next lifting station before even considering using a piece of equipment. Real athletes might perform ridiculous movements like the clean & press, clean & jerk, or variety of Olympic lifts sometimes employed by Crossfit failures. As a bodybuilder it’s your job to shake your head, laugh and ridicule these confused people. Remember, if you’re a bodybuilder, you’re the true athlete. You train at least 45 minutes a day, 4 days a week doing entire machine-based workouts. This does not even include doing ‘cardio’, which is 30 minutes walking on a treadmill at a speed of 3.5, and 2 incline.

Phil Heath Pretending He Does Real Cardio

The bottom rung of the caste system are the ‘untouchables’. These are the normal plebeians and trilobites who think that Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing was huge, jacked, and shredded. Untouchables should never look an iron warrior in the eyes, and know their place in the gym. At all times they are required to divvy towels to physique athletes, spot behemoths when they lift, and affectionately pop steroid induced boils on the shoulder of a warrior. If at any time, a plebeian makes a comment such as “you look smaller than the last time I saw you” to a bodybuilder, torture followed by death is the established punishment.

These are the established rules of Gym Hierarchy, and compliance to these standards will make the Gymnauseum a more tolerable atmosphere.

By: Danny Manslaughter