DM GETS IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT
It’s a harsh world out there, post 2008 collapse, the life of the young proletariat bodybuilder, forced to forever struggle (YET WITH HUGE FUCKING GUNS). You barely scrape together enough money as it between web-cam flexing, bouncing at the Rock N’ Rodeo, hustling in the can trade, and the occasional mugging of bourgeoisie at the golf-course. You have your staples covered (thankfully): steroids, manslaughter apparel, and the Gluecifer discography… However, the ‘holidays’ are just around the corner- and here are some stocking stuffers to give your bodybuilding guy, gal, transgender, lil grey man, mutated muscle dog, for a present.
— Primatene Tablets—
Simply waltz up to your friendly local Walgreens, Wal-Mart or other Corporate Overlord pharmacy and politely ask for some ‘Primatene, please!’ (Slightly quivering since it’s been 37 minutes since ingesting your last dose). These little yellow friends contain a whopping 12.5mg of ephedrine HCL a dose; take two and you have a party, take four you are riding the snake, take six I’ll be fist-bumping you in Iron Valhalla, MOTHERFUCKER! If feeling extra generous throw in some no-doz caffeine tablets, and baby aspirin to complete the ‘stack’ In your cohorts stocking stuffer. Or you can not heed my advice and buy ‘RIPZED 4290z’ from the pimply faced red-headed step-child at GNC and remain fat. Choice is yours.
— Benzedrex Inhalers—
Is your friend truly “hardcore” and willing to get “ripped at all costs” ala Mike Mentzer? Sometimes Ephedrine just ain’t enough son, and that’s when we are going to have to ingest a propylhexedrine rod (or 3), until you are pacing around for the next 5 hours, forgot what the fuck ‘macros’ even are, and are entirely convinced that cunt from across the street has amassed an army of underground badgers to attack you; you aren’t going down without a fight, you drink half of an isopure 40 gram shake and say ‘BRING IT ON!’ and violently vomit, realizing you are staring at yourself in the mirror and say ‘Daddy!?’ This my friend, because you have carefully removed 2 benzedrex inhalers after purchasing from your local Walgreens and chewed them up like the pubes of a dead nemesis. The taste is quite repugnant, but it is an incredible pre-workout, pre-freakout, and pre-crime supplement of choice. 1 250mg rod is sufficient for the beginner. It’s a great cutting agent when stacked with caffeine and green-tea. This makes a great stocking stuffer for your bodybuilding friend who think he/she is hardcore… Put them to the MOTHERFUCKINGE TEST. I may or may have not just swallowed 4 of these while writing this and I’m not convinced I’m alive.
— Greendot MoneyPak—
I remember one time as young buck, probably age 8 or 9, a good friend dropped off a package on my door and said ‘Merry Christmas!’, My friend Joseph ran off in glee, and I quickly unraveled a cassette tape of ’20 FUNNY CHRSTIAN CHRISMAS ROCK SONGS!’, and I quickly chucked it off the cove by our mobile home as my older brother laughed in agreement, while smoking Mexican Dirt-Weed in Craig, Alaska. Even at such a young age, my face turned into a grimace and thought ‘What the fuck is this?. My Great-Aunt-Rose (RIP) sent horrible tasting yogurt covered pretzels via media mail (5 years laters) that I would throw the ravens, but at least they had some good use. Point here is that, don’t buy some bullshit for someone… It is the spirit of ‘giving’, so don’t give out some bullshit, like donation the transgender gorillas of Ghana fund or Tony Robbins ‘KEYS TO SUCCESS!’ book. If you are friends with a bodybuilder, give him/her something she really needs… CASH/MONEY! They can simply scratch off the numbers on the back, email their friendly Chinese pen-pal on secure account and purchase the items they’ll need to grow in the yuletides season.
— Veet —
Perhaps you’re an aspiring ‘hard-working’ capitalist and want to support your fellow bodybuilding guy/gal with a product that will help him/her achieve their goals of triumph in Reagonimcs. In this case, buy some Veet (with the applicator), and stick It in the stocking stuffer. Nothing in this life comes easy, but getting the hair off your quads and ass can be with this good. Let the carcinogenic paste ‘trickle down’ your nether regions in-case you were concerned you MIGHT be become fertile after that last injection of HCG. Oww veet veet my balls.
~~Seasons Greetings to all! Let’s hope 2015 will be better than the incredibly fucked up 2014!